Searching for Serenity
by li-flower
Summary: Out in the black, 9 individuals find peace within. Collection of oneshots
1. The Cold, Hard Truth

Summary: As his life slips away, Mal confronts the truth. Based on "Out of Gas."

A/N: I had to re-upload this b/c there were way too many typos. Serves me right for trying to post things in a hurry. Anyway, this is the 1st of many Fireflyfanfics will come and my 1st non-anime fanfic. Mal is my hero. ---Hana Li

Disclaimer:Firefly and its awesome characters belong to the brilliant Joss Whedon, not me.

**The Cold, Hard Truth**

_Damn the floor's cold! _Mal thought even though he couldn't do anything about it. "Gausaang haitung guzoeng. Gimcaa jeonghei gungjing."

Moments of his life—that is, the life that was part of _Serenity_—flashed before his eyes, reminders of what he had to fight for. Oh, what the hell was he talkin' about? This wasn't so gorram battle. Or was it? He was fightin' a losing battle against death. Mal smiled to himself. _I sure know how to pick 'em. _At least he wasn't draggin' anybody with him this time. _It's all my fault and I'm gonna die for it._

Freezing, running out of air, loosing too much blood—those weren't the most appealing ways to die, but it's not like he deserved anything good. He was the one who didn't Kaylee buy the part, and he was dumb enough to get shot. He ain't no saint nor hero, that's for sure; but he wasn't so bad aguy…maybe.

Suddenly Mal wanted to say something to each of the crew, show them that he…well, cared. Zoe, Wash, Kaylee, Inarra, Jayne, Book, and even Simon and River—they were all important. Damn, when did he get so sentimental? Although one might say that he was always that way, being so attached to this ship. "Gausaang haitung guzoeng. Gimcaa jeonghei gungjing."

Then, a thought occurred to him: who the hell did he think he was? Was he goin' to just lie down and die? Hell no. He had found it: the strength to get off the floor and fix the damn engine. He wasn't sure where it came from since he was the type that rarely gets moved by words or deeds. Maybe it was his unwillingness to die alone in the cold. Maybe it was his determination to prove that _Serenity _wasn't just fei wu. No point in tryin' to figure that out. All he had to do was get the catalyzer in place. Easy.

Despite the shot of adrenaline, Mal was losing too much blood. It took the remainder of his energy to get back to the bridge. There was red upon his fingers and red in front of him. He could almost touchthe button. His vision was fading, and he felt himself sinking to the cold floor again. Although he anticipated the impact, he tried to resist it. _No, they have to come back…I need them. I don't want to be alone…_

---

Numbness and voices—those were the two things Mal sensed when he woke up. His body resisted movement,but the familiarity of the voices made him forget that. His eyes were sensitive to the bright light, but he saw them-- Simon, Book, Inara, Jayne, River, Wash, and Zoe. "Welcome back, sir."

He must have lost his mind because he couldn't for the life of God figure out what he was doing on the bed, hooked up to Wash. _Wait, they're not supposed to be here._

The appearance of Kaylee made him recall what happened. For once Mal didn't mind her chipperness at all. Pretty soon, everyone's sense of duty took over. He was slipping into the blackness again, but he wouldn't hit the cold, hard floor this time. Still, he didn't want them to leave. "You're all gonna be here when I wake up?"

The Shepherd sent him a reassuring glance. "We'll be here."

"Good. That's good…" _Serenity _wasn't just a ship he bought. It was a vesselmade up of the lives of those aboard it. They were the ones who made it not fei wu, and they showed him the truth: that he deserved somethin' decent. _I'm not alone._

Anybody passing by would have seen the Captain sleeping peacefully with a tiny smile upon his face.


	2. Finally Mal Spoke

**Summary**: Contains Serenity spoilers. After discovering the report on Miranda, Mal has alone time to think…until he engages in a discourse with an unknown speaker. However, this interruption may be what he needs to decide what to do next.

**A/N 1**: I came up with the idea for this fic after I heard a sermon at the Christmas Eve service my neighbors invited our family to attend. The pastor had made a derogatory and highly incorrect comment about Buddhism. Such forms of intolerance like this was what made me have a low opinion of organized religion for the longest time (I'm currently Wiccan). No matter if you believe in one god or goddess, many deities, an unknown force, or no god, we're all united in a belief in _something_.

**A/N 2**: The unusual (compared to my other fics) style of this story was inspired by the works of Friedrich Nietzsche. The title is a pun on Thus Spake Zarathustra, to which I allude. As for the identity of the unknown speaker, is it River? The ghost of Shepherd Book? Mal himself? I actually don't know, and I intend to keep it that way because the story changes with the speaker's identity. Anyway, enough of my blabbering; here's the result of all this. –Hana Li

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Firefly.

**Finally Mal Spoke**

"God is dead," Malcolm Reynolds declared to no one in particular.

_What do you mean?_ It seemed that he had a listener. Not a big deal except for one small detail: nobody was in the room.

Despite thinking that he was slowly losing his sanity, Mal decided to respond to the voice he heard in his head. "Six years ago, I renounced my faith. In not just the Christian God, but all gods."

It wasn't too long ago that you were a different man. 

"It only took two weeks to change my convictions."

_So now you deny the existence of a higher power._

"No merciful god worth my devotion would've let the Battle of Serenity Valley end the way it did." Mal found the words coming out of his mouth before he had a chance to consider them. He couldn't remember the last time he was so candid. "Religion is just a handy way for the Alliance to control others."

_Is that what you really believe?_

The Captain paused for a moment. "Yeah, it's what I believe. People are dumb enough to follow some guy or organization they think is right, but I'm no puppet of some made-up god. I choose my own fate."

_By wandering aimlessly? Is this how you want to live out your life?_

"If it means bein' free, then sure." He wasn't so confident though. How long could a man last without direction? Shepherd Book always pointed out that he lacked belief, and he initially dismissed it as a segue into another sermon. However, the preacher never gave up on him.

_Would you ever change your mind?_

Mal snorted. "Maybe if the Alliance miraculously dissolved, but even if that happened, it's too late for me. There's no way they'd let me into heaven."

_Who are "they?" You're seeing faith in a rather narrow perspective. Did you ever consider that you could be your own judge? No one is perfect, but salvation can come through one's own actions._

"Now you're just tryin' to get me to have this 'belief' everyone's been hassling me about." Inara was the next to point out the absence of faith. Although he didn't know the details of Buddhism, her message was the same as the Shepherd's: Mal needed a reason for acting, something better than money, survival, or a grudge against the Alliance. He wasn't a bad guy; that was evident from his concern over the welfare of the crew. Nevertheless, he needed to go beyond the microcosm of _Serenity_ to find a higher cause.

_Belief is power. _

When Inara had suggested that Mal was no match for the Operative, who was so devoted to his convictions that he would die for them, he was insulted. Now he wondered if she had been right. Still he had his doubts. "If belief can make a man stronger, then how come the Alliance is still around?"

_You know the answer to that one._

"The Alliance is set in their belief that they're right, that they can play God and 'fix' people. Those sick bastards."

_Ah, it all makes sense now. You never actually denied the existence of a higher power, but you chose to not let it influence your life. Your statement on the death of God was directed at the current state of religion, where people worship in a false deity fabricated to establish authority. How Neitzschean, and yet you opposed what could be seen as the Alliance's attempt to create a sort of Superman. Perhaps you were only expressing how your faith in God has failed you._

"Looks like someone decided to get chatty." This was getting absurd. Mal wondered if years of drifting in the black have finally caught up with his sanity. It was a madman who said those three words after all. "What's your point?"

There was a prolonged silence. _What do you believe in, Malcolm Reynolds? _

He actually took the time to mull over the question. Contrary to what he had told everyone (including himself) in the past six years, he never completely abolished his faith. Otherwise he would've gotten rid of the crucifix he had worn during the war. The report had brought up painful memories of the past, but those memories gave him a reason to fight the Alliance, one that wasn't solely based on self-preservation and hatred, one he was willing to die for.

It's not to say he suddenly found God again. No, the Captain decided that it was much more pragmatic, and fun, to be a blasphemous skeptic. When you want somethin' done, do it yourself. Besides he didn't know of any religion that valued the fallibility of mankind and advocated misbehavior. Nevertheless, the truth had changed him, and he was sure that it would change the rest of the 'verse. He didn't feel so lost anymore because he quit running away. Whatever the hell this sort of faith was, it gave him the strength to face opposition head on.

Finally Mal spoke, "I believe in the future."


	3. Misunderstood

**Summary: **Zoë thinks aboutthe two men she respects and loves, revealing that there is always more than what meets the eye.

**A/N: **First, I'd like to thank tenebraeli for her review. Second, I'm going to ramble a bit about what inspired this story. Originally I wanted to do another Mal one-shot since I can relate to the transformation he underwent after the war. Then I decided to make it a little different by taking another point of view.The next logical choice was to talk about the person who knew him best: Zoë. When I started writing, I realized that I _had_ to talk about Wash as well. It turned out that he and Mal weren't so different. That got me thinking about how first impressions aren't always correct, and "Misunderstood" was born.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Firefly_ or its characters.

**Misunderstood**

Zoë Washburn understood the two most misunderstood men in the 'verse. It wasn't because she exuded empathy. Rather she thought her objective way of looking at things allowed her to see these men for who they really were. One was her captain, the other her husband, but oh they were so much more.

* * *

Malcolm Reynolds used to be a likeable guy, but circumstances had a way of changing people. Nevertheless, Zoë's respect never wavered. She had known him when he was just a sergeant and she was named Alleyne. Mal had the biggest heart of all the Browncoats. The man was born a leader, and lead he did. She did her best to support him, but a person could only do so much for someone who had his dream shattered before his eyes in the most horrific manner imaginable. 

Browncoats, Serenity Valley, the 57th Overlanders—those were the key words to decrypting Mal. While Zoë dealt with the terror stoically, Mal felt too deeply to make himself numb to all the pain. He wasn't an insensitive bastard, as some might have thought. His experiences taught him how to harden himself to an unforgiving world. As for being stubborn, no doubt he was. One could even say that he was a sore loser, but nobody could accuse him of lacking conviction. When he believed in something, he would fight for it 'til the very end, no matter how crazy the notion was. But as the war had taught them, they would have to survive first.

* * *

Hoban Washburn was the sketchiest pilot…no, man… Zoë had ever come across. What was up with those obscenely bright, floral-printed shirts and the toy dinosaurs? If she traveled back in time and revealed their eventual union to her past self, the old Zoë would've laughed. There was no way she could've anticipated marrying this man. He was short, goofy, immature, and a spaz—totally not her type. She went for guys like Mal (although she would never date her captain; that would just be weird). 

Despite the strange vibes she initially got from him, Wash had a way of worming into people's hearts. Sure he was an oddball, but he was _her_ oddball. Actually there were times when Zoë was sure that he was the sanest individual on board. His sense of humor often lightened the tension, and what he lacked in physical strength, he made up for with his unwavering devotion. Not to mention he was a passionate man and an amazing pilot. The whole "leaf in the wind" spiel actually made sense to her. He lived like he flew, haphazardly but also freely. There was no resisting the forces that governed the 'verse. Wherever fate led him, he would soar.

* * *

Even though she had developed very different relationships with them, Zoë dared to say that Wash and Mal were two faces of the same coin. One was an eccentric but brilliant pilot and a loving husband, the other a bitter but loyal captain and an unsung hero. Both were more than they let on, and they followed nobody's rules. It was likely that no one, not even she, would fully figure out the two. Not that it mattered; she had complete faith in them. Both were destined to change the world. They had already changed hers; now it was the 'verse's turn. 


	4. Zen

**Summary**: Peace of mind is hard to achieve out in the black. Inara looks to meditation to find it, but it's a tough road to _Samadhi_. Even so, it's well worth the effort.

**A/N**: This fic is dedicated to JJ Shepherd; thanks for your review! The inspiration for the story came from my yoga class and a book on Chan (Chinese Zen) Buddhism. I wanted to get all the characters involved in Inara's meditative journey, whether by interruption or by participation, but I couldn't find a way to do it without being too repetitive. Inara might seem a bit OOC near the end, but I was incorporating the book's lessons on mastering one's Mind and how anger is a sign that an untamed Mind. Namaste, Hana Li

**Disclaimer**: I did not come up with the ideas behind _Firefly_, Buddhism, and meditation in general.

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**Zen**

Silence was a luxury on a transport vessel with eight other passengers. It was a blessing after dealing with that man. Eyes still closed, Inara inhaled. She let her breath out in one slow, continuous stream. She had been meditating for ten minutes and was savoring the peace. She was lucky to have her own shuttle. Then the voice of Kaylee rang out in hallway. Alas, the Companion was reminded of Serenity's size. "River, I give up! You can come out of your hiding place now!" The mechanic bounded in after she was allowed in the shuttle. "River didn't sneak in here, did she?"

"Not that I know of, but you are welcome to take a quick look," Inara replied before resuming her meditation.

Kaylee took notice of the woman's stillness. "Um, Inara, what in the 'verse are you doing just sittin' there?"

"Meditating. It's the complete abandonment of self to be in the absolute present. By focusing on the breath, one can purify the mind. Do you want to try it out?"

"Well, I'm not sure that I get what you're sayin', but okay."

It took less than thirty seconds before Kaylee started to fidget. "I don't reckon this is my sort of thing," she remarked before excusing herself to continue her search.

Inara smiled and picked up where she had left off. Shortly afterwards, Simon walked by. She could tell it was him by his hesitant steps. It appeared that he wanted to speak with her about something, perhaps advice on how to approach a certain mechanic who had long caught his eye. Inara sensed that he was thinking about interrupting her. Although he knew the principles behind meditation, the man of science believed it to be utter bull. Of course he was too polite to say that, but she got the impression. When asked his opinion on spiritual healing, a topic she was discussing with Shepherd Book the other day, he replied that medicine was really the best solution. However, science couldn't make a man less nervous around the woman he liked, and considering all the stress he puts himself under, the doctor could use some meditation. Ultimately, Simon decided that his question could wait, but his presence had nonetheless disturbed the Companion.

She quickly regained her focus. Ah, the silence, the serenity. She had almost achieved _Samadhi_ when raised voices broke through. Jayne and Mal were going at it again; Inara didn't need to try hard to discern that. If only those two dolts had the capacity to appreciate something as beautiful and transcendent as the present moment…

What incensed her even more was that the aforementioned Captain had indirectly caused her to engage in meditation today. Not that she didn't like meditating; it was just that she would've rather it be under different circumstances. Their argument at breakfast wasn't what led to this though. No, it was the alarmingly erotic dream she had about him. _Him! _Malcolm Reynolds, the uncouth, disrespectful, arrogant jerk! Never in her life had Inara had a sexual fantasy. Such a thing indicated repression, and repression was something a Companion never had to worry about. It went against all her training.

She responded to the dream in the worst way possible: by picking a fight with Mal. Well, technically he started it—oh how childish that sounds! If he hadn't had another recent run-in with the law, they wouldn't be traveling to another _niao bu sheng dan de di fang_. How did he expect her to find clients there? The man had no respect for her business. Even though the resulting irritation and anger were more familiar emotions, they did nothing to ease her perturbed mind. In fact, it made it worse.

Perhaps it was time to try the other option. If Inara couldn't ignore or replace these images and feelings, she should just accept them…and accept Mal. Just thinking about that allowed her to regain her focus. She couldn't explain it, but suddenly, he wasn't there haunting her mind anymore. However, if she wanted to sustain this peace, she would have to do more than merely think it. That was a challenge for another time.

Inara was so engrossed in meditation that she didn't notice River slipping in at first. When she had sensed a presence, she saw no one in her doorway. Instead, she found the teenager seated beside her in lotus position, looking as if she had never been a lab experiment or a fugitive. River opened her eyes and smiled at Inara. The smile conveyed the sense of serenity she had been experiencing herself. Even if it was only momentary, the peace was what they needed to keep on going…to keep living their lives no matter what came their way. And they would need it.

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**More notes**:  
_Samadhi _– state of pure consciousness; becoming one with your surroundings  
_niao bu sheng dan de di fang _– literally, "a place where birds don't lay eggs" in Mandarin; means "the middle of nowhere."


End file.
